Perfectionism and Disordered Eating with Colby Golder, RD
You might not be surprised to hear that perfectionism and disordered eating go hand-in-hand… but why is that? And HOW do we go about addressing it?
Disclaimer: I’m not saying everyone who is a perfectionist has an eating disorder, or that everyone with an eating disorder is a perfectionist, BUT the correlation is pretty high.
And if this sounds like you? In this post, we’ll explore what the connection is, why it’s there, and most importantly, what to do about it.
Colby is a Registered Dietitian who specializes in eating disorders and disordered eating. She got her Master’s in Clinical Nutrition from Columbia, and now she works at a private practice called Brown & Medina Nutrition and is on the eating disorder team at Columbia University Health Services. She has spent years working with young adults and high-achieving students, and comes to us with a great perspective on this topic.
If you’re a perfectionist, this one's for you!
Listen to the Episode Now
Defining Perfectionism
Perfectionism can come in many different forms. It really depends on what the person in question defines as “perfect.”
For many people, the bar keeps moving. “Perfect” might mean getting the “perfect”...
Body
Meal
Day
Amount of nutrients
Some people might identify as a perfectionist and it comes out in school; they might have stellar grades and attendance.
For others, it might come out in their relationship with food – in their portion sizes, meal timing, or so much more.
If you identify as a perfectionist, it’s worth it to continue to ask yourself what perfectionism means to you, and where in your life it plays out.
How Perfectionism Connects to Eating Disorders
The perfectionistic personality type is highly correlated to eating disorders.
Often, these are very high achieving personality types. It could be with academics, at work, with food, with anything really. They can go all together or appear to come one at a time.
Sometimes, someone is thriving in school (or at least appear to) and outwardly has a “perfectly healthy” relationship with food. Or they could be clearly struggling with food. Or they could be restricting “perfectly” and failing out of school.
There are so many different types of perfectionism.
Impossible Standards
Because the bar is set so high for a lot of these people, often the rigidity of these rules – the restrictive eating – is hard to live up to.
It’s so hard to live up to that often this leads to the breaking of their rules… which often leads to overeating and binge eating.
Oftentimes, people feel very frustrated and angry with themselves when they break these rules. They want to maintain that level of perfectionism and restriction, but it’s not possible.
BUT their bar is so high that nobody can maintain that level of restriction. They’re human and have basic human needs, but they feel like they should be able to do it.
So if that’s you? You’re not alone.
These people either have the appearance of perfection, which eventually breaks down, by the way, or they feel compelled to be perfect, which feels chaotic because that can’t be maintained.
An example of this might be maintaining a clean house. It’s hard for someone with a perfectionistic personality to say, “I’m just going to tidy up the living room today,” because they might feel like they need to fix the entire house all at once. So either their house will be spotless or flying.
Or maybe you feel like exercising every other day is not enough. You might feel like you have to exercise every day, multiple times a day to feel “perfect.” .
But that’s not sustainable.
A common theme that leads to feeling this way is comparison. Comparison against other people, past self, or future self fans the flames of perfectionism.
You might ask yourself: What or who am I comparing myself to?
Orthorexia
Perfectionism comes up a lot in people struggling with Orthorexia (the extreme “clean” eating thing.)
It especially comes up with people who become very focused with ingredients in their food.
Technology has exacerbated this issue. We have apps, websites, and resources that can now tell us every ingredient in our food, and whether it’s “clean” or not.
This can lead to more restriction, anxiety over “not clean” foods, and cause problems in a person’s daily life.
Someone with this anxiety might find him or herself not being able to order out and needing to cook everything from scratch. It might lead to missing social events, birthday parties, and family trips. It can become very exhausting and limiting.
Questions to Ask Yourself
That begs the question: What is health? What does physical health look like? What is social health? Emotional health?
They are all intertwined, and it can be argued that it’s not healthy to miss your friend’s birthday party because you’re afraid to eat there.
And if that’s something you’re struggling with, it’s ok to not jump in right away. It’s something you might take baby steps toward resolving.
A first step might be challenging yourself to answer: What is the fear behind this? What am I afraid would happen if I ate that food?
Ex.: Someone will only eat food from “fancy” restaurants. If that’s not available, they will either restrict or eat “clean” food, like a salad. They’re afraid that if they eat anything else, the calories won’t be worth it.
Side note: when you have to decide if every meal or snack is “worth it,” there’s so many calculations and weight involved with every piece of food you consider eating. There’s shame and guilt associated with every meal. But eating is about more than nourishing ourselves – there’s connection with other people, pleasure, comfort, and more – and at the end of the day, lunch is just lunch.
The goal we’re striving for? Flexibility and letting go of control. Flexibility is about accepting nuances that are beyond your control. We just want to let life happen, and be okay with it.
When it Becomes Dangerous
When someone doesn’t address their perfectionism within their relationship with food, one of two things can happen.
First, they might find that they create more and more rules for themselves. This could lead to becoming sicker and sicker and needing more treatment, or at least making their world smaller.
Or, eventually, they find that they can’t keep up with all of the rules… and they break them and exhibit a lot of explosive behaviors.
How to Get Started
If you want to address your perfectionism, first think about what areas of your life you see perfectionism playing out in.
Ask yourself:
What are my roles?
What are the things that keep me stuck?
Where am I being very rigid?
How does that influence my life?
Ex. Perfectionist Tendency: “I’m really struggling to find something to eat at my school cafeteria, so I just don’t eat.”
Identify the problem, and try to make a small first step.
Ex. First Step: Walk into the school cafeteria. Buy one item – a yogurt or a snack – and progressively work your way up to a full meal.
For another example, you might find that rigidity in your schedule is what is holding you back.
Ex. Perfectionist Tendency: “I can only eat my lunch at noon and my class schedule doesn’t allow for that, so I don’t eat lunch.”
Take small steps to addressing the problem, rather than one dramatic change.
Ex. First Step: Move your meal up 5 minutes at a time until you get it to fit into your class schedule.
And if you make these small steps and still feel like it’s not enough – just know that you’re making great progress and any step should be celebrated!
Getting Support
Having a team – a dietitian, therapist, and so on – to support you on your recovery journey is going to be so important.
Without having this support to challenge perfectionism, it becomes difficult to do it yourself and stay motivated. That voice in your head is going to keep getting louder and call out what you’re doing wrong.
If you have a team behind you helping you and challenging you to think differently, the chances of recovery are so much higher.
Curiosity
Nobody’s a perfectionist for no reason. It’s the kind of thing that always wreaks havoc on someone’s life… even if everything looks great on the outside.
If you find you have perfectionist tendencies, try to approach that with curiosity. Ask yourself:
How has my perfectionism been protective?
How has this helped me cope?
Ex.: Someone is afraid of not performing well because they are afraid of not being loved or accepted by their loved ones.
And just remember that the point of treatment is not to stop caring about your health and body. It’s to eliminate the stress and overthinking associated with food and improve your overall quality of life, one step at a time.
Tweetable Quotes
“The rules and rigidity around eating is hard to live up to… and often, that results in the breaking of rules which leads to overeating or binge eating.” – Colby Golder, RD
“Health is all intertwined… is it really healthy to miss your friend’s birthday party if you’re afraid to eat there?” – Colby Golder, RD
“The goal of treatment is not to eliminate health and wellness, but it’s to eliminate rumination, stress, and obsession, and to eliminate how it affects your everyday thinking and your ability to operate in everyday life.” – Colby Golder, RD
Resources:
More From Rachelle
Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
I believe in the power of deep work and its positive impact on your life in the long term. Learn more about how we can work together here.
Sign up for my weekly newsletter for even more!
You can connect with me on Instagram, through my website or email me directly clicking the links below.
Subscribe & Leave A Review!
If you enjoyed this episode, you can show your support by leaving a review, subscribing, or sharing with someone who may need help. Click here to open this show in iTunes and leave a five star rating and review.