4 Things We Mean When We Say “Let Go of Control” (And 1 Thing We Don’t)
“Eating disorders are about control.”
It’s one of those phrases that gets repeated so often it starts to sound like an unquestionable truth. But when you sit with it for more than a few seconds, it gets messy fast. Because if eating disorders are “about control,” then recovery is often framed as the opposite: letting go of control. And that’s where a lot of people understandably get stuck.
Listen to the Episode Now
If this post resonates with you or makes you feel something, share it with a friend! My hope is that we can keep this important conversation going long after the post is over.
That advice is usually offered in a vague, almost dismissive way, as if the problem is that you’re gripping too tightly, overthinking everything, or refusing to loosen your hold. The implication is that if you could just relax, stop trying so hard, and surrender a bit, recovery would naturally fall into place. Which, let’s be honest, is not how this works.
For a lot of people, hearing “release control” feels terrifying, confusing, or just plain irresponsible. Does that mean no structure? No boundaries? No plan? Are you supposed to just trust your body, even when your relationship with food already feels chaotic? And why does it so often feel like control is being framed as “bad,” when for many people it’s the thing that’s been holding everything together?
In this episode, I’m slowing that conversation way down. We’re talking about what we actually mean when we talk about control in eating disorder recovery, and just as importantly, what we don’t mean. We’re unpacking the difference between rigidity and structure, why flexibility feels so uncomfortable at first, and how control often shows up as a coping strategy for anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional overwhelm, not a personality flaw.
We’ll also talk about how this shows up beyond food, in your thinking, your emotions, and your relationships, and why recovery isn’t about replacing control with chaos, but about widening your life instead of shrinking it.
If you’ve ever felt stuck between “being in control” and “falling apart,” this episode is meant to meet you right there in the middle.
In this episode, I’m talking about…
What “control” actually means in eating disorder recovery and why the way we talk about it is often vague and misleading.
The difference between loosening rigidity and losing structure (they are not the same thing).
Why intuitive eating can feel chaotic, especially for people struggling with binge eating, when structure is removed too quickly.
How recovery is about increasing flexibility within structure, not replacing control with chaos.
Why rigidity often acts as protection against anxiety and uncertainty.
What it really feels like internally when you start letting go of rigid control and why it’s so uncomfortable.
How recovery involves increasing tolerance for uncertainty, anxiety, and emotional discomfort.
The role of internal control vs. external control, and how emotional chaos often drives controlling behaviors.
Why eating disorder treatment focuses on increasing emotional (affect) tolerance rather than eliminating emotions.
How black-and-white thinking keeps control in place and what more nuanced thinking looks like instead.
Why moralizing food and behavior (“good,” “bad,” “disciplined,” “messy”) keeps people stuck.
How control shows up in relationships, not just food.
Why trying to manage how others see you is both impossible and exhausting.
What releasing control does not mean (giving up autonomy, safety, values, or agency).
The idea of replacing defensive control with flexible agency.
Tweetable Quotes
“People love to use the phrase ‘Eating disorders are about control’, but it’s really vague. Like being “in control” is good, and being “out of control” is bad. - Rachelle Heinemann
“When we say release control, we mean loosening rigidity… but we’re not asking to lose structure.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“When we talk about control and loosening control, we do not mean to enter into chaos.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“What we're asking people to do when we ask for increased flexibility is to take away the protection against anxiety. So we have to understand this is not just a matter of asking your clients to just loosen the reins a bit. It’s something that is going to feel internally, very, very uncomfortable.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“Ultimately, when we use the term control… it’s only problematic when it really constricts your life.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“Recovery… is about widening that bandwidth.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“We are increasing your capacity to experience whatever it might be… without flooding, without impulsivity.” - Rachelle Heinemann
Resources
Looking for a speaker for an upcoming event? Let’s chat!
Now accepting new clients! Find out if we're a good fit!
Related Episodes
Episode 133. 5 Tips for Summer and Body Image/"Out of Control" Food Struggles
Newsletter update: If you’re not already signed up for my newsletter, then I’m not sure what you’re waiting for! I’m ✨obsessed ✨ with it. In an effort to keep things fun and fresh, we’re going to monthly newsletters rather than weekly. If you have any feedback on what you want to see in the newsletters, reply back to one or send me a message!
Grab my FREEBIE!: As you navigate recovery, you may be feeling like something is missing. You're doing a lot of work challenging yourself with the food, your body, and exercise. You're probably working on lots of other things at the same time, like stuff at work or relationship issues.
But, still, something doesn't feel like you're getting to the bottom of it. Grab my free journal prompts below and begin to work through the emotions of healing.
More From Rachelle
Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
I believe in the power of deep work and its positive impact on your life in the long term. Learn more about how we can work together here.
Sign up for my weekly newsletter for even more!
You can connect with me on Instagram, through my website or email me directly clicking the links below.
Subscribe & Leave A Review!
If you enjoyed this episode, you can show your support by leaving a review, subscribing, or sharing with someone who may need help. Click here to open this show in iTunes and leave a five star rating and review.