Assertiveness Skills for People Who Freeze
In last week’s episode, we talked all about people pleasing.
The kind where you say yes before you’ve even processed what was asked, and then immediately start doing mental gymnastics trying to figure out how you’re going to follow through on something you didn’t even want to agree to.
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And if you listened to that episode and thought, ‘okay cool, I get why I do this… now what am I actually supposed to do in the moment’, this is where we get into it.
No one is leaving a podcast episode and going to research assertiveness frameworks. You’re not pulling up a list of communication strategies while your boss is standing in front of you or while someone is waiting for an answer. That’s not how this works in real life.
So instead of more theory, this episode is about what this actually looks like in real conversations. The small shifts that sound simple, but feel very different when you’re the one saying them.
We’re getting into how to stop the automatic yes without swinging to the other extreme, how to say no without turning it into a full explanation of your entire life, and how to actually say what’s on your mind in a way that’s clear and still respectful.
And also, the part no one really wants to talk about. The aftermath. The second you don’t “people please” and your brain immediately goes, “that was rude”, “you handled that wrong”, “you should fix it”. That spiral is part of the process, not a sign you messed it up.
This is less about getting it perfect and more about interrupting patterns that have probably been running for a long time.
In this episode, I’m talking about:
Why assertiveness has nothing to do with confidence and what it actually means to communicate clearly and respectfully.
Why waiting to feel less anxious before speaking up keeps you stuck.
The reflex of saying yes too quickly, and how to pause long enough to think.
How to say no without overexplaining.
How much context is actually appropriate and how to tell the difference, depending on the situation.
A simple way to say what’s on your mind using facts, impact, and a clear ask.
How to communicate your needs without sounding scripted or robotic.
The discomfort that comes after being assertive.
The difference between assertiveness and being aggressive or dismissive.
How to adjust your communication based on who you’re talking to.
Why practicing in low-stakes situations is the fastest way to start changing this pattern.
Why understanding people pleasing isn’t enough and what actually creates change.
If you’re ready to actually start responding differently instead of just understanding why you don’t, listen to the full episode.
Quotes
“Assertiveness is being clear, direct, and respectful. The respectful part is what differentiates assertiveness from aggressiveness.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“We have to become assertive while we're being anxious, and then ultimately we will feel less anxious later.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“Overexplaining isn't kindness, it's anxiety management.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“ You don't overexplain, and you definitely don't hint. You don't build a case. You're not being a lawyer here. You just say what happened, what it was like for you, and what you need next time.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“You do not become less of a people pleaser by understanding it alone, but by also tolerating the discomfort that comes along with the new behavior of asserting yourself.” - Rachelle Heinemann
Resources
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Related Episodes
Episode 198. People Pleasing and Eating Disorders
Episode 172. Imposter Syndrome and Eating Disorders
Episode 154. The Secret Sauce for Building Confidence: Part 1
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Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
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